It's been a loooong while

Okay so it's been a super long while since I last posted.

I'm doing okay... really wishing I lived in the Temple/Belton area. I miss all my friends and Adam so much and it's hard being at home. And I've been feeling really separated from God. I can never feel close to Him in this house. It's why I wasn't a strong Christian until I left for college. I just started a new Bible study (Breaking Free by Beth Moore) with my older friend Judy from church so maybe that will help. I am thirsty for Him, to be nearer to Him. Please pray that I will find Him.

My new job is going okay. I don't like it that much. I'm trying to keep at it and I think I don't like it just because I'd rather be working somewhere in Temple. Today a girl asked me a math question and I didn't know the answer, and she looked at me like I was stupid. So of course that wasn't a good feeling. I'm not giving up yet though. We'll see how it goes over the next few weeks.

I'm in an online Texas History class that is self paced, which means I do the work when I want to. This is HARD! It's hard motivating myself to do it when I don't actually have a due date. I slacked off last week but now I'm catching up. Next week I start a math class that isn't self paced, so we'll see how that goes. I'm kind of scared that I'll get overwhelmed doing the two classes and my job, because I'm all of a sudden busy. Going from having nothing to do to being busy is a hard transition. My body doesn't like it. But I need to be more responsible so I'm trying to keep up.

Things are good with me and Adam... long distance is hard but it's good. He doesn't like talking on the phone that much so that is a struggle because talking on the phone is all we have. He doesn't really get on the internet either so email or instant messenger isn't really an option. I've seen him the last few weekends so that has been good. I love going to the football games so I've been doing that and going to the Bible studies with my youth girls.

Okay well I guess that's about all for now. Leave some love!

Even Longer

It's been even longer since I last posted. I will have to post later though. Right now my niece and nephew are over and I'm trying to help them read and practice some school work before it starts next week. Duty calls. :)

Surgery

Well it's been a loooong time since I posted last. And if this post doesn't make any sense, it's because I'm laying in a hospital bed drugged up.

I was in a car acccident in April of 2005. I've had a LOT of health problems since then. Last year they found a spondylolisthesis and they talked about doing surgery, but the doctors were kind of wishy washy about it :"You could have the surgery..." This condition means that in my lower back there is a piece of bone missing/broken that is connected to my discs and it is making the disc at that level slip off. Well this past April, only a few days after the 2 year anniversary of the car accident, I herniated that bad disc and was in the hospital for a week.

Two months and three surgeons later I am in the hospital again. I visited two surgeons and although they were both nice, I believe God was putting fear in my heart for a reason. Anytime I talked about the surgery I started crying. They wanted to go in through my abdomen, take out TWO discs (even though only one was bad) then turn me over to go in through in my back and put in a bone fusion and screws and rods. Finally I found a 3rd surgeon who seemed like a God-send. He only wanted to go in through the front, and only take out the bad disc. he couldn't believe what the other doctor wanted to do. He explained everything so well. And because I'm so petite, he was going to put in a metal plate in front to hold the new bone fusion and my spine together. I no longer had the fear. Even when they wheeled me in I was not afraid. I knew the Lord was in control and He had given me peace because I was doing the right thing. The only thing I was nervous about was waking up- because I had no idea as to what to expect pain-wise, etc. The plan was to have the surgery Tuesday, and then go home after a few days.

When I woke up, my left leg was in horrid pain. They thought it would go away. It didn't. Friday I had emergency surgery. Still didn't go away. Saturday was my birthday. Still in the hospital. Today I am having my third back surgery in one week.

Please pray.

Even a longer while

Okay well I haven't posted in a long time because so much has happened! I've been in the hospital. I'm trying to decide whether or not to have surgery... but I think I'm starting to feel better about having it. Basically everyone I have talked to has encouraged me to have it. No one is against it and they think it's best for me. I talked to Emily, and considering that she has screws, hooks, and rods all up and down her back, I was very excited to talk to her. She also thinks I should have it. I'm still pretty scared, and I think my mom is making an appointment with me to see another doctor next week, just in case. I'm still praying that I will make the right decision (this is so HUGE for me to make! What if I choose the wrong one?) I'm really scared, so anytime you are praying, please remember me.

Sorry!

It's been quite awhile. I think last week sometime I almost updated- I had the page up and I was ready to go, but then I got a phone call. Oh well.

Let's see. Since choir tour, I went to Spring Break camp with my youth group. It was fun, but something arose on the last night that has created a lot of problems. I hate drama. I wish I could explain, but I've been trying really hard not to tell people things that aren't their business (basically gossiping) because I can be pretty bad about that. Anyway, Camp was really great overall, and a lot of that was because of Alex, Adam's brother, who was visiting from Kentucky for the week. It was awesome!

While at camp, I received a phone call. It was very exciting news. I'm going to China! I think everyone who reads this already knows, but I'm very excited! I'm leaving on May 19th. This is an amazing opportunity straight from the Lord.

Meanwhile, it's already April and that means there's only about a month left until school is out. I am completely unmotivated to do school work!! Especially because... I don't think I want to do education anymore. Which doesn't help. Blah!


But the Lord is good, and He is doing many wonderful things in my heart!

Choir Tour

It's been awhile because I've been away on choir tour. We were supposed to leave on Saturday, but ended up leaving Sunday morning due to ill members and needed rest. The tour was disappointing because all of our destinations were pretty much last-minute. We drove to Abilene, rehearsed in a beautiful church, then performed at a different one. Monday, Tuesday, and today were spent at high schools in Denton, Irving, Keller... We sang for their choirs. It's basically a recruiting thing. I was sad because I really wanted to sing at my old high school, but they were on winter break this week.

Ironically, my devotional the day before we left was about loving people, even when it's hard to love them. Loving those that aren't easy to love. I knew of one specific person who it was going to be hard to love while being with them for a few days straight, and I prayed for patience and love. Oh, but did the Lord test me!! I all of a sudden had very low patience for many people, not just the one. And I also grew easily tired of the music we were singing. This has never happened before. I have always loved performing, no matter how many times it happened. Ironic that the music we were singing is pretty much all praise music? Anyway... the trip was interesting to say the least. We did have fun though. It will be my last choir trip because I'm pretty sure that this is my last semester in choir. What a weird feeling...

A Week Already?

It's been a week since I've written. Last week's post wasn't really an update on me though. So let's see..


After Adam and I broke up, I immediately picked up books that I felt would surely tell me how to know God intimately and how to have the right spirit, to develop His heart as my own, and so on. But last week as I was reading one of these, I felt God kind of nudge me on the shoulder and say, "Don't you think that the best way to know me is through MY Word?" I put the book down and picked up the Bible instead. I started at the beginning, and today I finished reading through the complete book of Genesis. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like those books aren't helpful and inspiring. They offer a lot of insight and I still plan to read them some time. But right now I want to focus on the marvelous things He has done since the beginning of time.

Reading through Genesis has opened my eyes. How amazing our Lord is! He was right there with Noah, Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph, every day of their lives and promised them great things if only they would trust and serve Him. But how much more amazing it is that it is still the same way for us now, today. He is with me every day, and promises me many blessings, if only I will trust Him. Why is it so hard? Even though I know His ways are better, I'm still so stubborn and mess up every day. Some days I feel so discouraged at how much I mess up. I wonder how He can continue to love me when I know I'm so disappointing. I have to constantly remind myself that our idea of love is nothing like His, and while I feel like I'm inadequate, He sees me as perfect because He created me.

It's hard for me to read stories of the Bible that I've heard so many times before, and think of them as REAL. That they really happened; these were real people on this earth, this ground. I like to look outside at the sun and the sky and think, "This is the same exact sun that Noah himself looked at, and the same sky that was above Joseph," etc. Even though those men are famous among Christians and we read and hear about them all the time, they were just men that God chose to use. Just people like you and me. It makes me think... I wonder what God would do with me if only I were willing? If only I would yield?




Please pray for me as I make a HUGE decision regarding 1/2 of my summer. It would be something that would make me get out of my comfort zone completely, not just with people, but with food, housing, culture, etc. I'm having a hard time discerning God's will with this (or maybe I'm too scared..?)




How can I pray for you?

True Confessions

One time I went to the store to buy new underwear. I looked around and around, and couldn't find the kind that I always buy. I became distraught, until ah ha! There they were. I grabbed the first pair and made my way (triumphantly, I might add) to the check out line.

Note to self -and readers- check the size of underwear before you buy, so that when you get home, you do not have pairs that are 5 times too big! ... and don't be so embarassed to return underwear of the wrong size that you eventually just throw them away, months later.

These are some of the verses that are getting me through

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Col 3:23

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I saw to myself, "The LORD is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." Lamentations 3:22-24

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I desire to do Your will, O My God. Your law is within my heart. Psalm 40:8



If you know of any more that I could use, please feel free to share.

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

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Walk By Faith, Not By Sight

I don't know if this will go anywhere. I started one before, but forgot all my username information, etc. But this could be a good way to keep you informed (because you all know how terrible I am at calling people these days...)

Well... to start off... Adam and I have been broken up for a week and a half.

We had been having problems. I didn't really talk about it to anyone (which is rare for me) because I was afraid that by talking about it, it would make it more real. My dream relationship having problems? No way. But the truth was that I felt God tapping on my shoulder (the same I had felt when I was with Jeff). I eventually convinced myself that if God wanted us to break up, He would find a way (like He did with Jeff). And He did. It was completely mutual. The reason why I believe it was God was because neither of us planned on it, even though we both felt like it was necessary. And because it wasn't a fight. We both kept putting it off, avoiding it, and then it came to a head Sunday afternoon.We both still love each other. We both feel as though we could get back together, still see a future together. But we also both feel that we don't want to trust in that. We want to trust in the Lord. I fought my natural instincts and knew it was God. Knew He wanted it, knew it was best. Even though it was so hard.

The Lord wants to work in our hearts. And show us that we need to trust in Him, love him enough, no matter the outcome (no matter if we get back together or not).

My heart:

• I have always had a problem depending on people. Why is this a problem? People will always fail me! They aren't perfect. And eventually, they will die. I need to remove this habit and focus it on the one CONSTANT: the Lord of my life, who loves me more than any human ever can.
• I have a false ideal picture of a husband/marriage in my heart. Growing up, I lingered a little too long on fairy tales and chick flicks and good heartwarming fiction. God needs to prepare my heart for the real picture, for the reality. I do believe that marriage in God's plan will be perfect and happy, but not in my way. In His.
• Faith. I have to learn to trust in Him first. To walk by faith, and not by sight. To not make my own plans, but put my life in His hands. By breaking up with my love to see what God has in store, to obey Him... I'm putting my faith comletely in Him. Not only that, but I need to develop a true relationship with Him. Instead of waking up wanting to hear from/see Adam, I want to wake up ready to spend time in the Word, ready to see what God is wanting to say to me.

Adam's Heart:

• Well, obviously, I'm not going to share the condition of Adam's heart. It's personal to him.
• But I wanted to visually show that we both have things and issues that need to be worked on, that we can't fix ourselves. We have tried going on "breaks" before, but that didn't work either.
• One thing I can say, is that if we ever get back together, it will be his move. We have talked about that. He will pursue me in a Godly way, and it will be because he is sure that it will be forever.

Summary: Basically... We both need to allow God to work in and change our hearts, individually. My prayer is that He will mold my heart to His. That He will prepare me for the future - with or without Adam. If it is His will, He will prepare me, finish His work, and then bring me back to Adam. But if it isn't, He will remove my feelings and help me to move on. And I will do that, walking by faith, and not by sight.